Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Frustration is the theme these days, the not knowing what is happening inside my body is driving me just a little {sic}crazy.

{This is high on my chest between my front collarbones.}
After a week of trying to reach my Doctor who shall remain nameless at this point..I spoke in Full on Candor with his nurse. I told her it was not my intention to be rude but to advocate for my own body as I have an 11 year old child depending on me to be okay.
She quieted down a bit and took an adversarial role .. My Doctor apparently called me early this morning and left me a message saying that she didn't typically call her patients back she entrusted that to her nurse except for extreme circumstance's. 
She apologized if this was an issue. She also stated that she didn't need the tests after all as my Bilirubin had been high at other times over the last few years..DUH!!!!!!  Dear God..This woman is a Doctor..

 The sores that are eating me started before those tests!! Are doctors BLIND?! I want my Brookline Ma. DOCTOR back. He was BRILLIANT and he was a PARTNER in my care...through it ALL! When my husband became ill he gave me his cell number..I used it. We discussed everything about Bilirubin, Red blood cells,White blood cells ..ON and on... I was in the company of ICU Doctor's in the best Hospitals in the world and been included in my husbands care EVERY step of the way. 

So where am I with My Dr. ? .. I was lastly told through Fort Knox that the Dr. siad she will discuss everything with me when we see each other again. Yes, we WILL discuss many things. Things like WHY do I NOT have an appointment with a Rheumatologist? Why have I NOT been tested for TOXICITY Specifically!?

1.MSH Test for Mold including Black Mold* 

2. Urinalysis for Metals.. such as Tin, Arsenic, Cadmium, alluminum, Tungsten,and many more...

WHY is this NOT being done!? It's my clock..

I'm angry!

FDA.. Look it up.. Toxic Implants, Implant Disease, Implant Toxicity... watch what happens on Google!  Anything Honest comes from the PEOPLE or sometimes Mayo Clinic or a Study at Mass General etc.. all of what you will find comes from the PEOPLE basically and for the most part.  

The DENIAL etc..FDA or Plastic Surgeons..take your pick there will be a ton of them!

The FDA always finds a way to screw us.

I can't and won't apologize for being angry, I have the right, it IS my right! Nobody should ever lay down when their rights are being violated. I'm not going with that.
Civil Rights.. 

They knew that the Silicone was toxic, they knew it would either burst,rupture,leak or disintegrate in a large number of womens bodies.

Thanks for the Protection FDA!

Pissed off

There! I admit, i feel better... Blogging will get this way and probably a lot rougher when I am approaching that surgery date..! Right after..WOW! I have been through the pain once. Cutting through chest muscle does not make for a great following month. I will pray my way through. 
My love to you all..those that return, you have my heart in your hand. I am an Empath..look it up if you are not familiar... "Go learn my Pinochio" as I say to Mads <3

Deep belly Breathing..trying 


Thursday, October 23, 2014

I just want them out!

Coming to terms with what is happening within my body is something I find myself struggling with way down inside, someplace that is normally very private, soft place. 

I share with you from my heart because it is my belief and deep conviction that God wanted me to write about very real and important things. Death is both.

This feeling of being overtaken is one I refuse to give power to although the struggle is constant should I get in the ring with it.

My attempts to stay in the moment sometimes work, sometimes they don't. I've gotten pretty good at it these past few years.

Answers, I just want answers and dates, show me motion..Dear Doctor, just show me you are doing all you can do.

Little by little my test results are pouring in, sometime's trickling.. 

Many of the results look okay, some do not. My Bilirubin is "HI" as they report.. my RBC's in urine HI and a few other that would confuse most everyone are off ..

Urinary Tract Infection's and kidney infections have been commonplace now for many months so nothing about that worries me .. it is simply part of this Toxicity nightmare. It is a KNOWN and RECOGNIZED fact that this is highly symptomatic with Lupus and "Implant Toxicity".

My liver has never been sick so this is a matter of concern. The Doctor immediately ordered a full Liver Panel and some other tests. She has already made appointments for me with a Neurologist and a plastic Surgeon. The Rheumotoligist and an Allergist are next..  This is how it will go until she too connects the dots formally for Insurance purposes in big part.

Money matters, sad fact but so very true.

If I were wealthy or even just secure financially there would be an appointment for "En Bloc' " or Explantation surgery on my datebook... Believe it!

It is my hope that my body is able to hold on until this life saving surgery takes place.

Liver, Kidneys with possible Bladder involvement, tumor on my thyroid along with the debilitating symptoms makes for quite a lot to carry around every day now. 

Somehow I will get my arms around it.

More waiting..

God keep me strong please..

When I have more to say or more test results I shall return.

Love & Light,

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Burning Wings

It is late, this is nothing new..when all grows silent I can hear my deepest, surest self. Somewhere in the darkness my new truth waits for me.

The pain is escalating, this comes as no surprise it has been happening for days now. 

It is a burning under my "wings" as I picture when my mind wanders to magical places, places where angels fly freely.

More frequently as in today..my sides aches as well, this is new.  What can I do other than keep it in my heart and my head that I will make it through all of this. The endless symptoms that make up "Implant Toxicity".  This is not complaining..how I wish you could read my heart.. I want to blow this all wide open, expose the pain as well as 
the deception.

Do any of you remember back to when Dow Corning was sued in one the largest Class Action lawsuits due to their SILICONE implants?

Well really who in their right mind would go out and buy implants of any kind from Dow Corning after that disaster rocked the world of Plastic Surgeons everywhere?!

I did. Dow Corning created another Company they named Mentor. Guess what Mentor makes? There you have it, that was tough huh?!

Every day life and responsibilities come at me from all sides and the entire foundation lies in uncertainty until this experience is behind me.  I feel like a human time bomb.

I am hoping to know soon how long I can expect it to be until my surgery. 

I like bottom lines, I don't do well navigating in the big unknown.

Today brought a poignant and heling conversation with a very dear, very long time friend that knows me in many ways best of all. 

God never ceases to send in reinforcement by way of his earth angels. 

There is nothing like someone that loves you and will miss your mere presence when you're gone. Someone you have impacted as they have you.

There are always gifts, it's a question of what you value most.

I am going to try to sleep, my body is weary and heavy.. my mind should settle a bit after some Yogi, Detox tea.. all these little things help. 

Goodnight & God Bless,


The Calm before the Storm

I just realized I have been sitting here very still for a long time..

This is just not something I do normally, I have always been a bit hyper even fidgety for lack of a more fitting term.

I believe I am basking in the calm before the storm. This is.. I decided, a good thing.

To be able to embrace life on life's terms is something I have been slowly striving for daily for many years now, it has always been difficult for me but I am making strides.

Yesterday I had my appointment with my new Doctor in the City. 
It went quite well and I am pleased to say I believe I have finally found a true professional that takes her oath seriously. 
She is not only willing to take up my cause but determined to fight for what is right.

This brave woman Doctor went so far as to promise me that she will not stop until these toxic beasts are out.

I am crying as I write today, that slow drip that starts from within has begun. 

I have felt so alone thus far and to have someone knowledgeable and kind fighting along side me has stirred my soul.

Five vials of my blood will tell us a lot of basic information to start. The Doctor will be calling me the beginning of the week with the outcome of this preliminary testing.

From here there are quite a few Specialists I will need to see, she is arranging all of that.

Movement at long last.

I feel a new hope but I also feel some fear, you can't run from fear so therefor I will face it head on.

Knowing what I am ultimately facing is so very real now and at some point I will have to come to terms with a new body. 
I will have to let go of what society's idea of beauty is completely as I redefine that for myself.

I have spent these past years realizing my worth through a great deal of loss and trauma, this will soon be tested in a big way.

Learning to love ourselves is perhaps the lesson of all lessons.

Having that love tested is no less than terrifying.

In love and light,


Monday, October 13, 2014

More False Promises.. the conspiracy continues

One thing I have learned through all of my research and I have left no stone unturned.. is that if it sounds too good to be true, it is. 

This is of course true with many things in life but when Doctor's apply this tactic we know this world is in trouble.

I found a Doctor (Cosmetic Surgeon) in a big city within a few hours of me that claimed to take my particular Health Insurance. There it was in writing much to my surprise and excitement.  

I must tell you this ignited new hope in this seemingly impossible situation thus far. As I took down all of his information, I prayed that this would be my miracle.

 I also prayed asking God to keep me from getting too excited over what may be a false lead as it had many times before in different ways.

When I awoke this morning my mind immediately kicked in, reminding me I had a phone call to make to his office.

My hands shook as I dialed, there was so much riding on this phone call.

I spoke calmly having no trouble communicating my serious and life threatening dilemma to the nurse on the other end of the phone.  I was clearly a woman on a mission.
So often the tone of someone's voice tells you everything you need to know, hers was no exception this dark day.

MY Health Insurance IS accepted, for Cancer patients only.
I don't have Cancer, not yet. ALCL is a form of Cancer that can develop in women that have had breast implants. 

The longer you wait to explant, the higher the risk. I am at a sobering 13 plus years. Silicone degenerates as the years go by. I was never told of this, never warned that in time there was a alarmingly high risk of becoming a human time bomb.

As kind as Diane, the nurse was nearly saying it was indeed shameful what I am living through, there was no solace in this phone conversation.

More hopes destroyed in this seemingly impossible battle against time.

Each day I awake not knowing what lies ahead for my body. 

Today it was impossible to regulate my inner temperature. Cold sweats during the night gave way to my body feeling on fire during the day. 

Skin lesions across my chest remind me of the poison that seeks to devour me.

Fatigue so heavy it keeps me immobilized for hours, sometimes as many as 18-20.. this is something I have had a particularly hard time adjusting to. I am used to being a very energetic and active woman. I no longer recognize my body.

On the days where I have strength and stamina I push myself to get things accomplished for I never know when the intense fatigue will return.

There is a relentless ringing in my ears I have had now for nearly a year, threatening whatever sanity I cling to.

I attempt to talk and what comes out on days like today is slurred due to what I now know is called "brain Fog", this also brings confusion and memory loss.  In the back of my mind I had feared early onset Dementia! As awful as this is I now know it is reversible with the surgery.

 My hair comes out by the handful making even a common hairbrush a threat. 

The tingling in my hands and feet compete with the burning in my shoulder blades.. All of these things remind me, my body is no longer my own.

I tell you all of this NOT to complain but in the spirit of FULL disclosure. 

If you or someone you love is considering breast augmentation it is my hope that choice will be made given the facts that NO Plastic Surgeon will give!

Thursday of this week I see yet another new Doctor, a "city" Doctor they would say down here. Asheville is known as a big city in North Carolina..this Boston girl wants to go home. 

Due to the major changes in my health and income living in Boston after my husbands passing became an impossibility.

What I wouldn't give to go back to my Doctor in Brookline, Massachusetts. Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital is one of the best in the Country, how I long for the safety of that and some of the most educated and progressive Doctors within the world of modern medicine.

Make no mistake about it, money dictates many things.. health care is surely one of them. The lack therein may in the end cost me my life.

 Keeping my spirits up and my head screwed on tight is a daily challenge for me and today was not a banner day with this illness.

Faith and hope as well as the love and support of family and friends is what keeps me going. Just when I think my well of strength has run dry someone says or does something that pushes me onward.

The fight goes on.. giving up is not an option.

Love and light,


I will be posting picture's all the way through this Blog. I have no idea at this point just how scary that may become but I have never been one to shy from the truth. The graphic truth now is essential to illustrate the horrors that await me or I will have bared my soul in vain. This particular picture is fuzzy hiding my pallor somewhat what it does show is the lesions, some of them that I spoke of.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Connecting the Dots

These past several years I have been plagued by so many health issues I came to believe I was dying. 

Through endless research and much discussion with a brilliant Doctor and diagnostician out of state I am finally finding answers rather than more questions.

Let's say it all began back in February of 1991 although the truth is somewhere within my "Core self esteem" there was a flaw which made me vulnerable as it has been with so many others.  MANY did not live long enough to talk about it.

I am a petite woman with naturally small breasts, the ones God gave me. I have had five children and nursed all of them making what I did have for breasts far less attractive than what I wanted to see every day.

In this world of more is better and the endless desire for perfection I made the choice to have my breasts augmented or in simple terms.. I opted for breast implants.

My fortieth Birthday present to myself was to become the horror that I am now living.

I won't lie to you, I was thrilled with this "new me" immediately after surgery!  I remember looking at myself in the mirror and being elated even though the physical pain I was in was off the charts. Childbirth, natural childbirth was a cake walk next to this level of pain. Strong pain medication became my best friend for nearly a month as I struggled even to open a door or lift something, anything without crying out in pain.

When the pain wore off my new adventure began with gusto. All of the rules for clothing a flat chested body were gone, I could suddenly wear anything and appear not only "sexy" but healthy by society's standards. 

The fact that I was a divorced woman without a man to be concerned about made life a wonderland for my ego. 

It was unnerving to see men walk into things as they veered off course to salivate over me. This was not something I had ever experienced before to this degree. It was time of immense "power" for me, that is the only way I can describe it accurately and honestly.

The satisfaction I suddenly felt regarding my physical appearance added a nuance to life that I had not known previously.

It was painful as a young woman growing up but never "out" and I had promised myself if I was ever financially able that I would have this surgery. It was not a surprise to family members or those close to me, I am nothing if not bold.

I can't even tell you the novelty wore off, it never did until recently when the truth about what was happening inside my body started to come to light. The list of symptoms has become SO long it will shock you, it did me. I will go further into this in time.

I am nearly fourteen years post surgery and at least half of that time I have been ill. These last few years my illness has become severe and after testing I was recently diagnosed with Lupus.. This prompted in me an obsession to  connect the dots.

If you are a person of substance growth becomes a huge part of life somewhere into your forties, I am and it is. 

I can say today that my self worth has very little to do with my body or my face, it is instead something deep inside that makes me worth loving. Loving oneself takes lots of hard work and it is not for the meek. Wisdom tells me now that anyone deserving of my love is drawn to THAT,  not simply my "packaging".

Trials and tribulations either destroy you or they bring you out..they help you to discover your most authentic self, they teach you what real beauty is. To say I have been through hell is such an understatement it seems absurd to say it never mind put it into writing. Let me just tell you life has rubbed me hard to finally allow me to shine.

We can not go back in time to correct our mistakes, we ordinarily must be satisfied with learning from them. This is clearly not as cut and dry as not repeating the same mistake as in most instances.

I am learning this in a very painful way through a dramatic surge of consequence.

You see, had I been the person I am today in 1991 surgery would not have been my "answer" true self love would have.

It was a big decision to go public with what I am going through, I have struggled with that choice and I have prayed long and hard.

I am at peace with the choice for my convictions are strong. If I can stop one woman from going through what I am going through, it will have been worth any shame or humiliation I may suffer. Ego brought me to my knees, I have no use for it.
Vanity is not my friend, never again shall I buy into this lie of lies.

As time passes my body gets sicker and sicker, it is poisoned from within very day by foreign invader's. Silica and mold live within the confines of what should be considered a temple, this body that houses my soul. 

Soon I will be going through surgery to remove what I refer to now as the Beast.

I will be having what is considered the equivalent of a double Mastectomy, by choice. 

In the end it is all about choices..the choices we make and the wisdom we gain through the consequences of those choices. I choose LIFE.

This will be a long road for me as I am no longer in that upper tax bracket, I am now 100% disabled and living well below the poverty level. It is no longer a question of a "free consultation" and a scheduled elective surgery.

To have breast EXplantation is a very different story and as I fight for my life I will share with you the ups and the downs in somewhat of a "Diary" form here on this Blog. You see...my medical insurance will not pay for explantation this is a hard cold fact. 

Explantation is a very dirty word to Doctors and especially to most plastic surgeons. Clearly if this is fully exposed and heads are pulled from the proverbial sand very big players {companies} will lose billions of dollars. 

The FDA has been lying to woman about the safety of breast implants for so long it is my opinion and that of many "Implant Toxicity" patients that the manufacturers hold the FDA in the palm of their nasty, greedy and irresponsible hands. Our Government has thrown us to the wolves yet again.

I have struggled to find a surgeon that will support me in  my fight, the minute my implants are brought up I am "dropped" into a vast wasteland of the "untouchable". 
Denial and even arrogance becomes a Dr.s response to my questions, the more educated I become the more threatened they seem to feel. 

The good news is I have finally zeroed in on a few brave leaders in the medical field that are standing up and saying "ENOUGH"! 

Dr. Susan Kolb in Atlanta, Georgia is one of the few that have been brave enough to speak out. Dr. Kolb's book "The Naked Truth about Breast Implants" has solidified my conviction.  It is time to navigate this maze for me to go on to live a full and healthy life. I must believe this is possible despite my "prognosis".

I have started out with a massive amount of information so rather than overwhelm you and send you running I will close by saying EMBRACE yourself, mind and body as you were created. Ladies, I implore you. 

To all the men out there, I pray this gives you pause when defining "beauty".

In Light,