Sunday, October 12, 2014

Connecting the Dots

These past several years I have been plagued by so many health issues I came to believe I was dying. 

Through endless research and much discussion with a brilliant Doctor and diagnostician out of state I am finally finding answers rather than more questions.

Let's say it all began back in February of 1991 although the truth is somewhere within my "Core self esteem" there was a flaw which made me vulnerable as it has been with so many others.  MANY did not live long enough to talk about it.

I am a petite woman with naturally small breasts, the ones God gave me. I have had five children and nursed all of them making what I did have for breasts far less attractive than what I wanted to see every day.

In this world of more is better and the endless desire for perfection I made the choice to have my breasts augmented or in simple terms.. I opted for breast implants.

My fortieth Birthday present to myself was to become the horror that I am now living.

I won't lie to you, I was thrilled with this "new me" immediately after surgery!  I remember looking at myself in the mirror and being elated even though the physical pain I was in was off the charts. Childbirth, natural childbirth was a cake walk next to this level of pain. Strong pain medication became my best friend for nearly a month as I struggled even to open a door or lift something, anything without crying out in pain.

When the pain wore off my new adventure began with gusto. All of the rules for clothing a flat chested body were gone, I could suddenly wear anything and appear not only "sexy" but healthy by society's standards. 

The fact that I was a divorced woman without a man to be concerned about made life a wonderland for my ego. 

It was unnerving to see men walk into things as they veered off course to salivate over me. This was not something I had ever experienced before to this degree. It was time of immense "power" for me, that is the only way I can describe it accurately and honestly.

The satisfaction I suddenly felt regarding my physical appearance added a nuance to life that I had not known previously.

It was painful as a young woman growing up but never "out" and I had promised myself if I was ever financially able that I would have this surgery. It was not a surprise to family members or those close to me, I am nothing if not bold.

I can't even tell you the novelty wore off, it never did until recently when the truth about what was happening inside my body started to come to light. The list of symptoms has become SO long it will shock you, it did me. I will go further into this in time.

I am nearly fourteen years post surgery and at least half of that time I have been ill. These last few years my illness has become severe and after testing I was recently diagnosed with Lupus.. This prompted in me an obsession to  connect the dots.

If you are a person of substance growth becomes a huge part of life somewhere into your forties, I am and it is. 

I can say today that my self worth has very little to do with my body or my face, it is instead something deep inside that makes me worth loving. Loving oneself takes lots of hard work and it is not for the meek. Wisdom tells me now that anyone deserving of my love is drawn to THAT,  not simply my "packaging".

Trials and tribulations either destroy you or they bring you out..they help you to discover your most authentic self, they teach you what real beauty is. To say I have been through hell is such an understatement it seems absurd to say it never mind put it into writing. Let me just tell you life has rubbed me hard to finally allow me to shine.

We can not go back in time to correct our mistakes, we ordinarily must be satisfied with learning from them. This is clearly not as cut and dry as not repeating the same mistake as in most instances.

I am learning this in a very painful way through a dramatic surge of consequence.

You see, had I been the person I am today in 1991 surgery would not have been my "answer" true self love would have.

It was a big decision to go public with what I am going through, I have struggled with that choice and I have prayed long and hard.

I am at peace with the choice for my convictions are strong. If I can stop one woman from going through what I am going through, it will have been worth any shame or humiliation I may suffer. Ego brought me to my knees, I have no use for it.
Vanity is not my friend, never again shall I buy into this lie of lies.

As time passes my body gets sicker and sicker, it is poisoned from within very day by foreign invader's. Silica and mold live within the confines of what should be considered a temple, this body that houses my soul. 

Soon I will be going through surgery to remove what I refer to now as the Beast.

I will be having what is considered the equivalent of a double Mastectomy, by choice. 

In the end it is all about choices..the choices we make and the wisdom we gain through the consequences of those choices. I choose LIFE.

This will be a long road for me as I am no longer in that upper tax bracket, I am now 100% disabled and living well below the poverty level. It is no longer a question of a "free consultation" and a scheduled elective surgery.

To have breast EXplantation is a very different story and as I fight for my life I will share with you the ups and the downs in somewhat of a "Diary" form here on this Blog. You medical insurance will not pay for explantation this is a hard cold fact. 

Explantation is a very dirty word to Doctors and especially to most plastic surgeons. Clearly if this is fully exposed and heads are pulled from the proverbial sand very big players {companies} will lose billions of dollars. 

The FDA has been lying to woman about the safety of breast implants for so long it is my opinion and that of many "Implant Toxicity" patients that the manufacturers hold the FDA in the palm of their nasty, greedy and irresponsible hands. Our Government has thrown us to the wolves yet again.

I have struggled to find a surgeon that will support me in  my fight, the minute my implants are brought up I am "dropped" into a vast wasteland of the "untouchable". 
Denial and even arrogance becomes a Dr.s response to my questions, the more educated I become the more threatened they seem to feel. 

The good news is I have finally zeroed in on a few brave leaders in the medical field that are standing up and saying "ENOUGH"! 

Dr. Susan Kolb in Atlanta, Georgia is one of the few that have been brave enough to speak out. Dr. Kolb's book "The Naked Truth about Breast Implants" has solidified my conviction.  It is time to navigate this maze for me to go on to live a full and healthy life. I must believe this is possible despite my "prognosis".

I have started out with a massive amount of information so rather than overwhelm you and send you running I will close by saying EMBRACE yourself, mind and body as you were created. Ladies, I implore you. 

To all the men out there, I pray this gives you pause when defining "beauty".

In Light,


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