Monday, February 23, 2015

That Light from within..

My heart is so open and raw right now as I wrap up a weepy few days. I am so sorry I have stayed away. 
I have never liked delivering bad news.  Working in retail I hated firing someone so much one time I hooked her up with a Primo JOB that she excelled at and made a great life for herself. 

I am a bleeding heart.. we'll leave the politics out of it ;)

I am a cut to the chase type person so that is what I will try to do.

Facts please.. I went through terminal illness with Bobby so that I could learn how to fight and MANY times advocate for him. I was a BULLDOG!

It is now time for me to do that for me. Be my own BULLDOG!

I will give you a full list of my Diagnosis from Dr. Susan Kolb of Atlanta, world renowned and from hundreds of hours of research .. the Pioneer in her field in the U.S.A. Dr Kolb is a Medical Doctor and she also is a Dr. of Holistic Medicine. I have enormous respect for her and I have FAITH in this woman. 

Okay.. Here goes

Mercury Poisoning
Intracellular Infection
Bio-Toxin Disease
Black Mold
Multiple viruses 
Auto immune Disease
Liver :ALL Compromised
Possible Malfunctioning Thyroid
Awaiting test results..

Whew.. Sorry, it's depressing and dark but it is my reality right now and I have accepted it as an opportunity from God to grow rather than seeing it as a curse.

Regretfully the surgery that will save my life is NOT covered by MEDICAID because I do not yet have Cancer..  I'm going to tell you that this Warrior  of a Doctor that stood before me teared up upon the delivery of that grim news. 

 I said it way back in my Blog.. I DO however STILL believe that THIS Dr. is going to save my life, "God love her" as my mom would say.

I believe he WILL come through for me through his earth angels and the angels that lay among him now in heaven as well as my Lord and Savior himself.

I believe, you must too.. please

My work here is to begin when I recover. I have so much to give and I have been given divine guidance in the midst of the Darkness that has tried to swallow me up. 

There are sure to be many bumps along this road and I am nothing if not in your face truthful when I am passionate about something.

I am Blessed to be able to reach out and share my story with you, please come back and always feel free to start a dialogue or leave a comment.. 

I will try hard to be here more often than I have been.  It took some time to get back here.. first out of complete stagnation with the other Doctor and then me struggling to get my arms around this as best I could, through praying, tears, disbelief and finally a degree of acceptance.

I am focused, I am positive and I am love <3 

Thank you again for sharing my journey  Be kind to yourself so you may give from a full well.

Love and Light,


Sunday, February 15, 2015

Free Falling..

How can it be that I find myself in the situation I feared most? What does life or death actually mean? 

My insurance is not going to cover my surgery, no surprise. Eight Thousand and Six Hundred DOLLARS stands between me and a long slow painful death from Bio-poisoning and possibly mold. The possible ramifications are endless.

 I have been waiting over two weeks now for my test results* .Answers, do I not deserve that? 

WE WOMEN in this wasteland of pioneering silicone lab rats.. it is up to US, WE MUST RAISE OUR VOICES!

Why is this being allowed by the FDA, READ..anywhere, it's there.

You are not crazy, toxic metals and bio-toxins that are the "dust" of silicone which is deteriorating in your body.. they are affecting many women's brains, most often "Short term memory loss" and "Brain Fog". This has been what feels like chewing at my brain, little by little I am losing pieces of my memory and what feels like my mind.

By the swift hand of God I ended up getting an appointment with Dr. Susan Kolb on the 20th of THIS month!  
Dr. Kolb is the author of the book that is my best friend right now. 
Dr. Kolb is also the Dr. I spoke of when I said "This is the Doctor that I hope to speak of when I speak to high school Kids... as the Dr. that saved my life.

I do NOT know why I have come this far so fast, God is at the wheel and so good at giving direction, he is my Compass as well as my Savior.

I will go to the appointment, another blessing. I must raise the money by Thursday of THIS week. I've been in worse spots but this one is life and death with a warning! 

Frustration, phone calls, emails, appts.... I keep moving and I keep believing. I must. 

This magical child that calls me mum needs me and she needs my direction, it is taking her far. God put us together as parent and child for some beautiful and significant reasons. 
I must find a way, or one will find me if I consistently step up to the plate. Simple beliefs perhaps but very strong ones as well.

I hope I am able to buy those years through surgery, possibly as much as 20+ years with the surgerie(s) and Chelation Therapy by Dr. Kolb to start.

 It all feels very surreal, perhaps because the Consultation is one thing.. the surgery is quite another. 

IF you are reading this and contemplating breast augmentation, I implore you don't do it..not un til you have exhausted yourself in research and your very own heart says it's the right thing to do. 

What about THIS,  Take a course, Travel Italy by backpack if need be across Europe with  few friend's.. FIND YOU, don't stop working on yourself until you embrace all of you. It is my hope that when you get THERE the very idea will feel nearly as absurd as it does for me now.  

How I wish I had been happy with what God gave me. I was quite insecure after a timultuous 11 years playing trophy believing in someone that proved to be a Fraud.

I am a mess many days, at times I feel disconnected.

I want answers and nobody is being held accountable here. I am consistently disappointed and missing "home".

 We miss Boston, as they say you can take the girl out of Boston but you can't take the Boston out of the girls.

It is my hope and my prayer to have this surgery somehow by Spring and to get strong by Summers end.  

My girl and I plan to get back to Boston in November 2015!  We can transfer our section 8 that we were thankfully granted a few months ago. I pray that will go smoothly. We have had more drama than many could imagine really.  Peace is the goal, along with ROOTS..

I always feel such trepidation when I start to make plans or have dreams again.  

After surgery I will dream once again in Technicolor! I have some rather large plans regarding GIVING BACK.

Constant trauma on top of Complex Traumatic Stress Disorder does not make it any easier to make my way through the maze. 
 Having had my health issues escalate as fast as they have has added so much stress onto my already so compromised body.

I have great expectations of Dr. Kolb, her book is brilliant and I look forward to shaking her healing hands.

Trying hard to just BE much of the time, keep everything written down and in files,stay organized, change things to adapt to my current situation but truthfully I am going through it alone and that I do NOT recommend. 

I miss the City at times like these, there is probably at least one support group available in bigger cities. I do not have a support network here and I really don't think someone could possibly understand this unless she had gone though it yourself. Dr. Kolb HAS!
One of the reasons I bought her book was because I was stunned to learn SHE was a survivor of this horror that I am living right now. 

I needed knowledge .. hard earned and someone that could comprehend what it feels like for yet another Doctor to look at you with that knowing look .. they believe you to be a hypo-chondriac and treat you as such.. YET you know every single one of the twenty or thirty some ODD symptoms that are beating my body lifeless are REAL!

I pray and I move forward as I have said.. Do the NEXT RIGHT THING.

Bless you all from a disheveled child wanting to hide in a corner... "THIS too shall pass"

WE are simply walking each other home.


love and light,


Tuesday, February 3, 2015

NEW Post coming soon..

Movement, give me a day or so to absorb it all .. 

love and light,


The Countries that have visited the Blog searching for something, it is my prayer this blog eventually if not sooner has something to SAY to those that seek knowledge and light...