Friday, October 17, 2014

The Calm before the Storm

I just realized I have been sitting here very still for a long time..

This is just not something I do normally, I have always been a bit hyper even fidgety for lack of a more fitting term.

I believe I am basking in the calm before the storm. This is.. I decided, a good thing.

To be able to embrace life on life's terms is something I have been slowly striving for daily for many years now, it has always been difficult for me but I am making strides.

Yesterday I had my appointment with my new Doctor in the City. 
It went quite well and I am pleased to say I believe I have finally found a true professional that takes her oath seriously. 
She is not only willing to take up my cause but determined to fight for what is right.

This brave woman Doctor went so far as to promise me that she will not stop until these toxic beasts are out.

I am crying as I write today, that slow drip that starts from within has begun. 

I have felt so alone thus far and to have someone knowledgeable and kind fighting along side me has stirred my soul.

Five vials of my blood will tell us a lot of basic information to start. The Doctor will be calling me the beginning of the week with the outcome of this preliminary testing.

From here there are quite a few Specialists I will need to see, she is arranging all of that.

Movement at long last.

I feel a new hope but I also feel some fear, you can't run from fear so therefor I will face it head on.

Knowing what I am ultimately facing is so very real now and at some point I will have to come to terms with a new body. 
I will have to let go of what society's idea of beauty is completely as I redefine that for myself.

I have spent these past years realizing my worth through a great deal of loss and trauma, this will soon be tested in a big way.

Learning to love ourselves is perhaps the lesson of all lessons.

Having that love tested is no less than terrifying.

In love and light,


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