Sunday, February 15, 2015

Free Falling..

How can it be that I find myself in the situation I feared most? What does life or death actually mean? 

My insurance is not going to cover my surgery, no surprise. Eight Thousand and Six Hundred DOLLARS stands between me and a long slow painful death from Bio-poisoning and possibly mold. The possible ramifications are endless.

 I have been waiting over two weeks now for my test results* .Answers, do I not deserve that? 

WE WOMEN in this wasteland of pioneering silicone lab rats.. it is up to US, WE MUST RAISE OUR VOICES!

Why is this being allowed by the FDA, READ..anywhere, it's there.

You are not crazy, toxic metals and bio-toxins that are the "dust" of silicone which is deteriorating in your body.. they are affecting many women's brains, most often "Short term memory loss" and "Brain Fog". This has been what feels like chewing at my brain, little by little I am losing pieces of my memory and what feels like my mind.

By the swift hand of God I ended up getting an appointment with Dr. Susan Kolb on the 20th of THIS month!  
Dr. Kolb is the author of the book that is my best friend right now. 
Dr. Kolb is also the Dr. I spoke of when I said "This is the Doctor that I hope to speak of when I speak to high school Kids... as the Dr. that saved my life.

I do NOT know why I have come this far so fast, God is at the wheel and so good at giving direction, he is my Compass as well as my Savior.

I will go to the appointment, another blessing. I must raise the money by Thursday of THIS week. I've been in worse spots but this one is life and death with a warning! 

Frustration, phone calls, emails, appts.... I keep moving and I keep believing. I must. 

This magical child that calls me mum needs me and she needs my direction, it is taking her far. God put us together as parent and child for some beautiful and significant reasons. 
I must find a way, or one will find me if I consistently step up to the plate. Simple beliefs perhaps but very strong ones as well.

I hope I am able to buy those years through surgery, possibly as much as 20+ years with the surgerie(s) and Chelation Therapy by Dr. Kolb to start.

 It all feels very surreal, perhaps because the Consultation is one thing.. the surgery is quite another. 

IF you are reading this and contemplating breast augmentation, I implore you don't do it..not un til you have exhausted yourself in research and your very own heart says it's the right thing to do. 

What about THIS,  Take a course, Travel Italy by backpack if need be across Europe with  few friend's.. FIND YOU, don't stop working on yourself until you embrace all of you. It is my hope that when you get THERE the very idea will feel nearly as absurd as it does for me now.  

How I wish I had been happy with what God gave me. I was quite insecure after a timultuous 11 years playing trophy believing in someone that proved to be a Fraud.

I am a mess many days, at times I feel disconnected.

I want answers and nobody is being held accountable here. I am consistently disappointed and missing "home".

 We miss Boston, as they say you can take the girl out of Boston but you can't take the Boston out of the girls.

It is my hope and my prayer to have this surgery somehow by Spring and to get strong by Summers end.  

My girl and I plan to get back to Boston in November 2015!  We can transfer our section 8 that we were thankfully granted a few months ago. I pray that will go smoothly. We have had more drama than many could imagine really.  Peace is the goal, along with ROOTS..

I always feel such trepidation when I start to make plans or have dreams again.  

After surgery I will dream once again in Technicolor! I have some rather large plans regarding GIVING BACK.

Constant trauma on top of Complex Traumatic Stress Disorder does not make it any easier to make my way through the maze. 
 Having had my health issues escalate as fast as they have has added so much stress onto my already so compromised body.

I have great expectations of Dr. Kolb, her book is brilliant and I look forward to shaking her healing hands.

Trying hard to just BE much of the time, keep everything written down and in files,stay organized, change things to adapt to my current situation but truthfully I am going through it alone and that I do NOT recommend. 

I miss the City at times like these, there is probably at least one support group available in bigger cities. I do not have a support network here and I really don't think someone could possibly understand this unless she had gone though it yourself. Dr. Kolb HAS!
One of the reasons I bought her book was because I was stunned to learn SHE was a survivor of this horror that I am living right now. 

I needed knowledge .. hard earned and someone that could comprehend what it feels like for yet another Doctor to look at you with that knowing look .. they believe you to be a hypo-chondriac and treat you as such.. YET you know every single one of the twenty or thirty some ODD symptoms that are beating my body lifeless are REAL!

I pray and I move forward as I have said.. Do the NEXT RIGHT THING.

Bless you all from a disheveled child wanting to hide in a corner... "THIS too shall pass"

WE are simply walking each other home.


love and light,


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